Safety and Peace, Malik
by Drake S. Hellion
Summary: Just a few humorous greeting exchanges between Altair and Malik I came up with while I was bored, not to be taken seriously and does not follow the game plot too much. I own nothing. RnR.
1. Chapter 1

**Safety and Peace Malik**

_Just a oneshot about various replies from Malik when Altair greets him in the assassin's bureau, humor based and made from boredom._

**Day one.**

Altair had just finished an assignment in Jerusalem and was eager to get some rest at the bureau before returning to Masyaf.

Walking there was Malik, behind the desk of the rafiq. "Safety and peace, Malik." Altair greeted evenly.

"The opposites upon you." Malik replied flatly.

**Day two.**

Altair, after a long horse back ride from Masyaf, was just walking into the assassin's bureau, seeing Malik he greeted, "Safety and peace, Malik."

"Go to hell." Malik replied.

Altair frowned.

**Day three.**

Again Altair entered the assassin's bureau. "Safety and Peace, Malik." he greeted the rafiq evenly as always.

"Your presence slowly strangles me, get out." Malik stated without looking from his text book.

Altair narrowed his eyes.

**Day four.**

Altair staggered into the bureau, a nasty gash on the left side of his waist, blood dripping to the floor as he limped up to the desk of the rafiq, "Safety…and Peace, Malik." Altair rasped out.

"Stop dripping on my floor you slob." Malik said boredly, still not looking from his book.

Altair collapsed with a glare.

**Day five.**

Altair walked into the bureau, the sounds of alarm bells echoed from the outside, "Safety and peace, Malik." he greeted the rafiq after setting the bloodied feather down.

Malik took the feather and placed it in a box, "I suppose alerting the whole city and coming straight here was a good plan, now maybe the guards will find us and we can have dinner together." Malik drawled sarcastically.

Altair felt his eyes twitch.

**Day six.**

Altair jumped down into the assassin's Bureau and walked over to the desk of the rafiq, "Safety and-huh?" Altair noticed there was a distinct lack of a rafiq behind the desk. Walking over to it he saw a piece of parchment.

He read it aloud, "Dear Altair, I would have waited to greet you, had I found you worthy of such, instead I went out to get some food, by all means go back to Masyaf, as I will not be sharing my meal. signed Malik."

Altair then proceeded to crumple the piece of paper with a growl.

**Day seven.**

Altair stumbled into the bureau, an arrow petruding from his right shoulder, and several small gashes on his arms and legs, a red stain on his chest, his breathing coming in short gasps. "I need…medical attention…" he stated quickly, winded.

Malik glanced at him with a studying gaze, then finally said, "You've got blood on you."

Altair promptly collapsed with a glare, frown and mumbled curse.

* * *

**End.**

**That's all I got, may add more if I feel up to it, hope it was worth your time, and yes, I am aware it does not follow the game story line.**


	2. Chapter 2

**Safety and Peace, Malik**

**Yes, I updated, seems everyone wanted it, so I gave it.**

**Day 1**

A week after Altair had his 'accident' he was heading back to Jerusalem for another contract, and he was also getting ready to face the most annoying Rafiq in all the world.

Landing inside the bureau he walked through the door way and said, "Safety and peace, Malik."

The Rafiq, Malik, looked up from his book, giving Altair a bored stare he replied, "To what do I owe this displeasure?"

"I have business here in the city," Altair replied, ignoring the jab, "I seek wisdom."

Malik scoffed, "You can lead a camel to water, but you can't make it drink, there's your wisdom, now leave."

Altair frowned, turned and left the bureau.

**Day 2**

Altair jumped into the bureau and stood, dusting himself off as he walked into the office, "Safety and peace, Malik." he greeted the Rafiq.

"Your arrival just robbed me of those." Malik replied, giving Altair a small glare.

Altair just sighed and left.

**Day 3**

"Safety and peace, Malik." Altair greeted even as he entered the Rafiq office with a bloodied feather in hand, surprisingly, his target had run into a ledge and fell off to the streets below, he didn't even have to do much, just swab the feather through the blood.

"Foolsaywhat?" Malik said quickly.

"What?" Altair asked perplexed.

Malik chuckled, "Nothing, nothing, now get out here."

**Day 4**

"Safety and Peace…Malik?" Altair stopped seeing that Malik was sleeping against the wall.

"Damn you…Altair…give me back my arm…" he mumbled as he slept. "Before I cut you to tiny pieces…"

Altair slowly backed out of the room.

**Day 5**

Altair peered into the office, checking to see if Malik was asleep again, said person reading like normal, he walked in. "Safety and peac-oof!" Altair fell forward as his boot had gotten caught on something, hitting the stone floor with dull thud.

Malik laughed, "I laugh at your misfortune."

Altair glared at nothing in particular.

**Day 6**

Altair walked in, a small red splotch on his left shoulder where an arrow had decided to get him, "Safety and peace Malik." he greeted through gritted teeth, scowling at the Rafiq.

"To you too my brother." Malik mumbled.

"What did you say?" Altair asked, his hostility gone.

"Hmm? Did you say something?" Malik replied boredly.

"No, but you did, what did you say?"

"I said nothing."

"You did! I heard it clearly."

"Then it appears you are hearing things, maybe your sanity is finally leaving you."

"Ugh…eh?…gah!" Altair stormed out.

"Tsk, Tsk, so much anger." Malik reprimanded with a shake of his head.

**Day 7**

"Safety and peace, Malik." Altair walked into the office, then was surprised when Malik was not there, no note or nothing.

"Altair! The city is full alert! The guards are running around arresting anyone wearing white robes and you came straight here! What in God's name were you thinking?!" Malik yelled as he came from the back door, slamming it shut.

"I thought that I had done my job." Altair replied.

"No, you didn't think, that's just it, why is that every time you assassinate someone, you must have about fifty witnesses to the act? And then as a great stroke of genius! You come straight here!" Malik gestured wildly as he spoke.

"What would you have me do then? Get killed? Leave the city?"

"Both are appealing, give me a moment while I decide."

"I'm leaving." And so Altair left.

**End**


	3. Chapter 3

**Safety and peace, Malik.**

_Updated after a horribly long time. Sorry my reviewers! Feel free to attempt to stab me with the foam hidden blade provided!_

**Day 1**

Altair had just finished yet another assignment flawlessly, this time there was no warning bells, no mass panic, just a dead target and a slightly rushed run back to the bureau. Walking into the room he said. "Safety and peace, Malik."

Malik looked up from the desk and gave Altair a raised brow. "Where are the alarms? Or screaming citizens?" he asked. "Did you not perform the task?"

Altair crossed his arms with a not too smug smirk. "I completed the task quietly, here is your proof." he laid the bloody feather down in front of Malik.

Malik stared at the feather. "Impossible…you did nothing wrong…but…you're…_you_! There must alarms! Screaming a-and!…" he sagged his shoulders. "Perhaps you are learning…" he mumbled.

Altair loved the praise.

"…And it only took you several major mistakes and few near deaths, congratulations mister perfect." Malik added sarcastically.

Altair grit his teeth.

**Day 2**

Altair dropped into the bureau…or tried to. But one of his bracers had gotten caught on the wooden cage at the entrance and Altair was hanging off it by one arm._ If God has mercy…Malik will not have heard me._ He thought.

"Altair…what are you doing?"

Altair inwardly cursed and looked down to see Malik wearing a confused expression, but his eyes shined with amusement. "I am…stuck, in a sense." Altair replied slowly.

Malik only shook his head. "Altair, I take it back, this is the greatest mistake of your life…hold on, I will help you…oh wait! I lack an arm! Sorry! Looks like you'll have to wait for another assassin to come along and help!" Malik walked back into his office laughing.

Altair looked up to the ceiling and the king above. "Why?…" was his simple question.

**Day 3**

"Safety and peace, Malik." Altair stepped into the bureau and was surprised yet again when Malik was not standing behind the desk. "Malik?" there was no note or anything. "Brother?" he leaned over the desk slightly.

"Rawr!" Malik yelled as he popped out behind the desk.

"God!" Altair gasped and fell back onto his backside as his heart raced. "Malik you fool! What if I had stabbed you!"

"It…" Malik clutched his side with laughter. "Was worth the risk!"

**Day 4**

Malik was bored, he wouldn't outwardly show it, but he was dead bored. _Where is Altair? He is a good source of entertainment _he wondered to himself as scribbled randomly in his book. Most thought he just wrote important things down, that wasn't true, he just doodled.

Hearing a dull thud in the other room Malik inwardly grinned at the thought that Altair had arrived. _Let the game begin. _He thought, wondering how he would get to the 'master' assassin this time.

Minutes passed and no one entered, with a frown Malik stepped past the desk and entered the room, staring at the ceiling entrance he saw no one. "Hmm…" he hummed lightly.

"Malik…" a voice whispered in his ear.

The reaction was instantaneous, Malik spun and grabbed the assailants arm and spun again and soon the assailant was on the floor with Malik's boot on his neck, only then did Malik realise it was Altair he just owned the crap out of. "…You just got taken down by a one armed man, how do you feel?"

Altair didn't respond, he simply glared at the ceiling as if expecting it to melt.

**Day 5**

Altair sighed when he entered the rafiq's office, seeing Malik he greeted. "Safety and peace Malik."

Malik raised a brow. "You suck."

"No you."

"No you more."

Altair stormed out with a angry shout.

**Day 6**

Altair walked inside the bureau after arriving in the city for his latest target. "Safety and peace Malik." he greeted the rafiq.

"Hold still Altair, there appears to be an horrendous growth on your face…" Malik said with narrowed eyes as he studied Altair's face. "Oh wait…it IS your face. False alarm."

Altair growled.

**Day 7**

"Safety and peace, Malik." Altair said upon entering the rafiq's office, setting down three bloodied feathers.

Malik looked up from his book and stared at the feathers. "So you completed your task, I suppose I should congratulate you…"

Altair inwardly waited for the praise from the rafiq.

"but then I remember this stump that was my arm and then I spit on your shoes…" Malik did indeed spit on Altair's shoes. "Now go back to Masyaf, your business in this city is done."

Altair shook his head, turned and left.

**End**

**There it is, not so funny as the others, but I tried.**


	4. Chapter 4

**_Safety and peace, Malik_**

**_Review replies with Malik and Altair!_**

Malik: Hello readers, I am Malik, but you already know me as I am the second main character to the Assassins Creed.

Altair: You are hardly second main material.

Malik: I'm sorry, who escaped the templars with the treasure?

Drake: _**Enough! **_Answer the reviews you two, then kill each other.

Altair and Malik: Got it.

* * *

_**By: horse890**_

YOU'VE GOT RED ON YOU.I love this. I shouldn't be laughing so hard, but I am. There is definitely an elegance in simplicity.

Malik: Why do you think Altair has survived so long?

Altair: …God curses you.

Malik: I'm here with you, so yes, yes he does.

* * *

_**By: Jay Zero Snake**_

Do the others too! :P:O malik shall pay in blood! BLOD!

Malik: I think he missed an O there…

Altair: He threatens you and you simply catch a spelling error?

Malik: After being around you, I have learned to pick up errors as a reaction.

* * *

_**By: galliechan**_

I was hoping Altair would say something other than "safety and peace" after all the replies Malik gave to him. :)

Malik: I was surprised he did too, truth be told I was fighting the urge to ask him, but it was too much fun.

Altair: I was not about to sink to your level of childishness.

Malik: Oh really?

* * *

_**By: I'm in stitches!**_

lol lol lol lol lol lol lol lol lol lol lol lol lol lol lol lol lol lol lol lol lol lol lol lol lol lol lol lol lol lol lol lol lol THAT IS THE FUNNIEST THING I'VE EVER READ, AND I ENCOURAGE YOU TO RIGHT MORE! You've literally made my day today. What an amazing and witty imagination you have! Oh I can't stop giggling as I'm writing this review! You're amazing dude. I'm about to re-read it again. PLEASE WRITE MORE I BEG OF YOU!

Malik: Oh, the author did write more.

Altair: Sadly…

Drake: What was that?

Altair: Nothing.

* * *

_**By: TunaOfDoom**_

Short, simple, and funny. Reading this made my day. :D

Malik: Huh, Altair is two of those things.

Altair: I am hardly simple.

Malik: So you're short and funny?

Altair:…

* * *

_**By: Lecidre**_

LOL! Boy, I totally loved how you wrote Malik here. Great job!

Malik: Yes, the author catches me perfectly.

Altair: Then why am I as clumsy as a novice?

Malik: Lets face it, no one wants to laugh at a one armed man falling down.

Altair: I would…

* * *

_**By: Sono la Notte**_

I love this. Cotinue, plz?

Malik: It has me, What's not to love?

Altair: You're enjoying this far too much.

Malik: Oh quiet you.

* * *

_**By: Alexandra Rider**_

That was the funniest AC story i've read! Please...please...PLEASE continue!Safety and peace...xD

Malik: Oh yes, the author continued alright, with much success.

Altair: Do not be rude, return the gesture.

Malik: Safety and peace.

Altair: Safety and peace.

* * *

_**By: The Ultimate Person**_

(picks up dictionary)

Hmm . . . "ok" "nice" "good" "great" "awesome" "fantastic" "wonderful" "Spectacular" "magnificent" "God would be proud"- BAHH!

(Throws away dictionary)

None of these pathetic words can describe this piece. So I will make up my own word: FreakingAwesomeLicious. This story was 30lbs of freakingawesomeliciousness.

See, like everyone who has a pulse and brain that has played assassin's creed, I have grown ever so fond of the little relationship between our white-robed assassin and his one-armed back-talking rafiq. And since I have brain and a pulse (I dear hope so at least) I have very much enjoyed this little ficlet you have produced. For it captures the relationship perfectly . . . with a side of jam. And jam is good.

Very favorite would of probably been "foolsaywhat?" YES! Randomness still rules the earth! - ackflythroatfly (starts choking for the next 10 minutes. Continues with what dignity I still have left)

Yes, well, I would much prefer it if you continued this. Who knows what possible back-talks Malik might give next to poor bloody and beaten Alair? In time, in time will see. But for now, all I can say that this was purly freakingawesomelicious. Keep that in mind, my good author. Now excuse me-

(Picks up baseball bat)

I have some dictionary writers to threaten

Ms TUP

Malik: I wonder if she actually got future dictionaries changed…

Altair: Why is it everyone is so sadistic? My suffering should not bring laughter!

Malik: Well it does, get over it.

* * *

_**By: LunagCangiante**_

Ah these make me happy. The one where Altair fell made me laugh out loud. Nice job

Malik: Yes, that was a rather gold moment, wasn't it?

Altair: That was not funny! That was embarrassing!

Malik: Which is why it was funny.

* * *

_**By: Lecidre**_

Gotta love Malik here. He's simply awesome! :D

Malik: Yes, yes I am.

Altair: Where the hell is _my_ praise! I am in here just as much as this fool!

Malik: You're very good for laughing at, there.

* * *

_**By: Chrysanthemum Caelestis**_

Aw poor Altair xD instead of "You're bleeding" I thought Malik was going to say something along the lines of "Hurry up and die"Great ideas, can't wait to read more! Oh, and thanks for making me laugh, it was much appreciated

Malik: Oh trust me, it crossed my mind.

Altair: I'm sure it did.

Malik: Again, someone wishes to read more of me, ah, the hilarity.

* * *

_**By: Jenova-chan**_

This fic. It was simply awesome. It couldn't be anything else. Anything with Malik, Altair and Malik laughing at Altair's misfortune, simply breathes awesomeness. I would very much enjoy this if it continued, as I can't really laugh as loud as I want right now (in a school that doesn't approve of laughing at epic Assassins Creed fics). You have done a great job! Five stars for you!

Malik: Your school sucks.

Altair: I'm more concerned that she finds these funny…

Malik: You're right, they're not funny, they're hilarious.

* * *

_**By: minimooosethesecond**_

malik is smothe

Malik: Smothe?

Altair: Smothe…

Malik: Smooth.

* * *

_**By: phooeykazooi**_

LOL!

Malik: Hmm, Altair this review is almost as simple as you, _almost_.

Altair: I hate you, I really do.

Malik: Same here, brother.

* * *

_**By: painofwhiteclaudia**_

I have to say that Day 5 is my personal favourite.

Malik: Ah, you have good taste.

Altair: None of these are my favorite.

Malik: Oh don't be sour, it's all in good fun.

Altair: for you…*sulk*

* * *

_**By: Gun Blazing Mutant**_

Hahhahaha, you should make more these are hilarious. :3

Malik: Oh he did, he did.

Altair: I will not say it again, these. Are. Not. Funny!

Malik: Which is why they're hilarious.

* * *

_**By: Satsuriku-sama**_

LOL...safety and peace...

Malik: Safety and peace.

Altair: Safety and peace.

Drake: So many assassins reading fan fiction…

* * *

_**By: Sono la Notte**_

my favs are days five and six

Malik: Very good taste.

Altair: I hate all of you…

Malik: I'm sure you have fans, they just don't review.

* * *

_**By: The Messenger 23**_

I have a suggestion...Altair falls into the Bureau. His left arm is missing. OrA citizen falls into the bureau with a radio and gives it to Malik. He puts it on Cd. He starts dancing and singing Thriller in perfect tone to Michael Jackson when Altair walks in.

Malik:…Drake, do the first.

Altair: Do the second.

Drake: I'm with Malik, the first has major Altair pain factor…

* * *

_**By: Gun Blazing Mutant**_

maybe not as funny as the rest but you did a good job.

Malik: He tries.

Altair: Sadly.

Drake: I do try, and shh, Altair.

* * *

_**By: Qqtt991**_

YES. I NEED MORE. This is EPIC.

Malik: Yes, yes it is.

Altair: It is not! You people sicken me! Laughing at another's misfortune!

Ezio: It's all in good fun, ancestor.

Altair and Malik: Get out of here!

Ezio leaves

* * *

_**By: textbomb**_

LOLmalik, you big ball of sarcasm and witty comments :Fi enjoyed this way too much :U

Malik: You can never enjoy this too much.

Altair: Why?…Just…why?

Malik: I know, people can't help but love me.

* * *

_**By: Lecidre**_

Boy, you have no idea how much I enjoyed your Malik here... He is awesome! Seeing Malike torture poor Altair has become a great entertainment to me. They're just so funny and hilarious together! :D

Malik: Thank you, Thank you.

Altair: You're,,,sadistic! All of you! Every single one of you! Well I have something to say to all of you!

Malik: This should be good.

Altair: I'mma firin ma Lase-BLARGH!

Altair blows up Malik

Altair: Served!

Drake:…

Altair: What?

Drake raises hand.

Drake: Full-life.

Malik returns.

Altair: NO!

Drake and Malik: YES!

Altair runs out crying

Drake and Malik:…

Drake: Well…guess that's it.

Malik: Yes.

Drake: Safety and peace dear readers.

Malik: Safety and peace.


	5. Chapter 5

Sequel is up! or... prequel? whichever!

Just know that a second story is up where Malik is the one who is tortured by Altair! read and laugh! warning... SEVERE Malik bashing... I mean, insanely... epic.

Go check it out or forever hold your peace!


End file.
